Alexandra’s story
In January 2024, I went into triage at 40+6 for my fourth episode of reduced movements since 28 weeks. However, I had a bedside scan in triage and they found I had only the tiniest pocket of fluid left – the rest had gone. This was probably why my daughter was moving considerably less. I had mentioned several times from about 39 weeks that I felt I was leaking, had a puddle of fluid in my underwear on my due date and a lot after two of my sweeps but was told it was “normal” discharge. I’d even had a test and it came back negative; I was told the tests are rarely wrong.
I was pushed into having an induction I didn’t want as she’d been without waters for an unknown amount of time – I knew my body wasn’t ready. I asked for a c-section, but I was denied. I was told it would be best to try the induction but if at any point I wanted to stop, I could. I was terrified of infection being without waters for so long so agreed to the induction. I had the pessary inserted – for the first six-to-seven hours I felt nothing. Then at around 2am my contractions came thick and fast and were excruciating. I was in agony and was told by the consultant my contractions would be intense because of the lack of waters and the fact it was an induction. However on the ward, I was made to feel I was overreacting. The pessary fell after 12 hrs – the midwife did a particularly brutal cervical check where I asked her to stop but she replied with “If you think this hurts childbirth will be a shock,” and carried on. I was not dilated at all. I cried and refused a second pessary and said I needed the consultant to come and discuss a section. My contractions continued without the pessary until I called the midwife at 11am and said I had the urge to push. They did a check (with gas and air this time) and I was 5cm dilated. I was told everything was going to plan so they wouldn’t discuss a c-section now, I was taken down to delivery and given an epidural.
The epidural failed about three or four times. It worked only on one side of my body and I had to constantly lie on one side or to get it to drain down. I had several brutal cervical checks - I wish I had declined them. When I got to 7cm, I had my remaining small sac of waters broken – I asked my husband what they looked like and he said “Ew, maybe baby poo?” I was pretty alarmed but the midwife said, “Oh yes, oh dear, cheeky girl has done a little poo!” She played the whole thing off as not being a big deal. I asked if meconium was a bad sign as I’d heard it meant baby was in distress, but she said it was to be expected in an overdue baby and that was that.
Things slowed down and I was told I would need the oxytocin drip – something I did NOT want. I said no, can we discuss a c-section now please – I was told it was essential and I needed it to progress for the sake of the baby. I’d also started to spike a temp and my blood pressure started to rise rapidly; I was being treated for sepsis. I felt weak and exhausted but they pushed us into accepting the drip, I was told it would be taken very very slowly and any increase would be discussed and I could stop if I needed to.
After about half an hour the baby’s heart rate plummeted for seven minutes, and lots of staff were suddenly in the room – I found out at the debrief they had gone all the way up to the maximum dose without telling us they’d increased anything. They took me off the drip and things returned to normal – I was also very unaware at this point that they then put me back on the drip and the same thing happened again. I was not very with it due to the infection – I was exhausted as I hadn’t slept in over 24 hours with severely painful contractions.
I managed to dilate with the drip to 10cm on one side, they had to manually dilate me which involved several members of staff with their hands trying to push the cervix back. This seems stupid to me considering I already had an infection. It was so invasive, I felt violated. At this point I was absolutely drained and knew I still had to push – I wanted a section but was told to continue. I pushed for 40 minutes but baby’s head was getting stuck – I didn’t know but her head was in slightly the wrong position so she was pushing against my pelvis and this caused swelling on her head. I asked for more pain relief as my epidural had stopped but suddenly consultants etc were in the room saying I needed to consent to a trial, spinal block and section if necessary as she was stuck and “the presence of meconium suggests distress so we need to act quickly”, which is the first time this was mentioned.
I did not want an assisted delivery – this is something I raised right at the start of the process as I knew inductions resulted in an increased chance, but they said it was the only way now as she was stuck in the birth canal. I was terrified I would lose her so I said do whatever you need to do. I was told to stop pushing but at this point my body took over - I couldn’t stop. I was wheeled to theatre where they put in the spinal block and I felt like a piece of meat. I looked at my legs in the stirrups as they did the trial and cried. I had a feeling it was all about to go very wrong. They did the trial - I was told they had tried the Ventouse but a midwife told me quietly that they had also tried forceps. She was stuck so I had to have the c-section. They had to use a foetal pillow to push her back up the canal. All we could hear was them shouting at each other, “Hurry up and do it instead of talking about it – we don’t have the time” “her BP is rising, HURRY” etc. Our baby was born and all I remember is her being covered in green sticky stuff. The room was quiet, she wasn’t crying. I wasn’t told anything so I immediately thought the worst.
She was taken away with my husband to have the meconium cleaned from her and suctioned out of her lungs. She had aspirated so much of it and was not breathing properly. My husband said the midwife “wasn’t surprised” as she’d never seen a placenta so full of it before. They brought my daughter back round to me and said did I want to meet her. My arms were numb, so I was terrified I would drop her, so I told them this, and the nurse said “Oh no you’re not holding her, she’s going to NICU.” She was immediately taken to the neonatal unit; I was told nothing else. I feared the worst.
As I was lying there, terrified my baby wouldn’t make it, I started to feel very weak. I had a major PPH and lost two litres of blood. I then started to feel what was happening and was suddenly in serious pain – I told the anaesthetist and he asked if I consented to general anaesthetic and I said, “Only if you promise I will wake up”. That’s the last thing I remember. I woke up in recovery and was eventually wheeled back to our room on the delivery suite where I had one-to-one midwife care for 2.5 days – my little girl was in the neonatal unit and I was unable to see her. I begged for someone to take me but they said I couldn’t go until I was able to get into a wheelchair. She had a lumbar puncture to check for meningitis, was hypoglycaemic, had four different cannulas, a feeding tube, was on CPAP and was in the high dependency unit. All I wanted was to be with my baby and I didn’t even meet her for over 24 hours. They wouldn’t take me down. I had a blood transfusion the following day and was pumped full of antibiotics. I was incredibly weak but I was finally able to see my daughter at 4am –however I was told I would be accompanied by a midwife. I was wheeled down but was left there alone. This happened several times – when I was finally able to hold her, I was left holding her in the room for over an hour. I was in agony and felt too weak to hold her, I was terrified I would drop her and pull out any of the many wires and tubes she was connected to.
She was finally wheeled to the labour and delivery room for an hour as she’d just been moved out of her incubator to a cot into the NICU and we had the most amazing time as a family of three. It was the best experience in the hospital so far – our family moments we were robbed of.
That night at 10pm, a consultant, a doctor and four midwives came into our room. The consultant had apparently been briefed that I was highly traumatised and to be gentle with me but decided to tell me it was time for the catheter to be removed and for me to get out of bed as if I was lazy, all of which I was willing to do as I wanted to be with my daughter and go home. Instead he came in, told me that daughters are “strong as babies but not as strong as men when they grow up” (?!), that women “find things tougher than men would” (again –?!) and that I needed to get up or basically I would get a clot to my lungs, brain, a pulmonary embolism, an infection from my catheter, etc. He said, “Look at the size of your tummy – it is enormous. You need to get up or the gas will build and cause real problems”. Until this point, I had been so weak from the PPH and sepsis, no one had told me to get up. I was absolutely terrified I would die. Again. I didn’t sleep.
I didn’t sleep the whole time (seven days) I was in hospital. My body kept jerking me awake any time I fell asleep and I had horrific nightmares that I was dying. This continued when I went home – eventually I was prescribed sleeping tablets as I was so physically depleted they were concerned I was heading towards a psychotic break.
I was moved up to the maternity ward but I couldn’t bear it – I could hear mothers with their babies while my baby was still in NICU. I was in a separate high monitoring room and it still wasn’t enough. I was devastated. I was having reaction after reaction to my antibiotics, slurring my words, very weak and not making any sense. I was told this was due to my severe blood loss, however the morning of day six I spoke to a midwife, my mum and husband and was completely coherent and positive about wanting to go home. I then took the medication again and went straight back to slurring my words, not being with it and they realised it was a reaction to the medication. My mum questioned what was in the antibiotics as I am allergic to penicillin – three of the four were penicillin derivatives. Obviously we were so angry as I have an allergy wristband and the response of the consultant was that it was the only treatment they had for sepsis. I was terrified I would die without them.
As I came round from my reaction, I was wheeled down to neonatal again – I was greeted in the corridor by a NICU nurse who said “oh where have you been? We’ve been waiting for you, your baby is coming up with you now.” I had a panic attack. I knew they wouldn’t let me home that night, but I also wasn’t allowed to have my husband or mum stay with me to help look after my daughter. The nurses had to come and sit in my side room that night as I had a full-blown panic attack when my husband left. They tried to tell me “all first-time mums are scared” but didn’t understand where I was coming from at all.
I’ve always wanted at least two children but I’m now terrified of going through it all again and leaving my daughter without a mum, my husband without a wife. I have PTSD, and postpartum anxiety which I am working through a year on but the promise of the healing properties of time has not yet materialised. I’m in limbo; I’ve kept all my daughter’s clothes in the hopes I can move through this and try again but right now, I feel robbed of that joy you feel when thinking about having a baby. How can I put my daughter, my husband, myself through that again?
